Philadelphia again takes away Detroit’s status as a third world nation when last month, a small child was running up and down the aisle of a SEPTA bus in North Philadelphia. The child’s caretaker chose to provide the child with some corporal punishment. She took the child over her knee, and slapped him once on the bottom.

Since this is no longer socially acceptable, a man on the bus told the woman not to hit her kid. She asked the man to not tell her how to raise her child. The man got on the phone to call Child Protective Services. The woman got on the phone to call Child Protective Baby Daddy With A Motherfucking Gun.

At the next stop, a small band of adventurers show up, and escort the woman off the bus. They asked her to point out the “douchebag who told you how to raise our kid.” They then pulled large automatic assault rifles out of their pants, took aim, and fired.

By some crazy Stormtrooper logic, only 13 shots hit the passenger compartment of the bus and no one was harmed.

The Republican law will cut swaths through every government program, from Special Ed to keeping our food clean education for disabled children to food safety to homeland security to clean air and water.

Bob Greenstein, the widely respected president of the nonpartisan Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, has done just that. His conclusion:

The Boehner-GOP plan is “tantamount to a form of ‘class warfare.’ If enacted, it could well produce the greatest increase in poverty and hardship produced by any law in modern U.S. history. This will cause the poor to become lifeless moving corpses constantly hunting for brains.”

Deanna, the hottest girl in the world with Marfan Syndrome, is making shirt designs on her website http://www.heartsandscars.com

The shirts depict sunny scenes of fairys and children. OR HEARTS AND SCARS. You can’t get any more hard core than this.

These men have never heard the joke.

Cpl. Leilani Morgan of the the Power County Sheriff’s Department says, “It could have been a Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar joke. It could have been a bar bet joke. I could have even been a knock knock joke. We just don’t know right now.”

“Four men died though, so the joke must have been really killer.

How am I supposed to get out these stains!?

Liu Ma Shendeng was rescued from the Chinese mudslide by the People’s Liberation Army yesterday, outside media reports. He wanted to get home to his family, but was first checked on by medical workers. In his 60 hour ordeal, he says the mud, “got everywhere. And I mean everywhere.”

“I’m going to be scraping mud out of myself for months.” Liu says, “I was down there for over 60 hours. I have mud in my mouth, ears, hair, and both nostrils. And that’s just in my face. I’m not even going to look below my belt”

Chris expected to put his lips on the other Linn

When she heard the doorbell ring, she did not expect to see the pizza delivery guy.

We spoke with Kami in her simple two story home, “He said that he was a paramedic. I couldn’t have been more grateful.” Kami said, “The mouth to mouth he gave my husband saved his life.”

Chris Wuebben, the pizza delivery man, said, “The other guys joked about how there was a real hottie living at this house. I was kind of expecting to make out, but not with a dude.”

As we were conducting the interview, some of our equipment tripped a circuit. As Kami headed to the basement to fix it, Chris said, “I’ll come with you. I’m an electrician.”

This dramatic interpretation shows the incident.

“I almost didn’t have it in me to arrest him,” said, Michael Quimby, 37 of the Poland, NY Police Force, “Anyone would have done it, had we thought of it first.”

The West Canada Creek, seen in the photograph, is a wide lazy river named for the Indian word for village (kanata). With the recent rain we were having, the river has swollen to almost 12 feet. “Perfect for floating a bounce house down,” Tehan said.

“I was trying to get the Dems to prove that Obama isn’t from Kenya, a perfectly reasonable request. And then this happens. I had to accept the birth certificate that has been verified by hundreds of sources. Who do those Iowans think they are?” Said Felix Montgomery, 51, from Oklahoma.

The reason for losing the arguments comes from Godwin’s Law, stating that once a comparison is made to Hitler, the argument is automatically lost. The Iowans did this on a national scale.

The Iowan Tea Party will be replacing the image with an image of Thomas Jefferson, most likely with something hateful written on it.

She said, “Well, I failed him because he didn’t do the work. He was very lazy, he wouldn’t color or play with the other girls and boys. When I asked him to, he turned into a terror. He would kick my shins, the same spot over and over. I still have a mark there.”

“He was a bad influence on the other kids, too. He would bring cigarettes to school and sell them to the older boys during recess. The recess monitor who asked him to stop, well, she has been a missing person ever since.”

“I remember one time, little Johnny O’Hara came in crying saying Rand was hurting an animal. Johnny led me to Rand, and sure enough, Rand had a rabbit’s corpse pinned open on the ground outside my classroom. This was entirely unacceptable, so I grabbed his ear and brought him to Father O’Malley’s office. Rand said the rabbit was already dead, but I don’t know if I believed him.”

“I almost gave him a D-, just so I wouldn’t have him next year; his father took him to another county, and enrolled him in the first grade. He never graduated kindergarten.”

Mr. Paul would not comment on this issue.

Stephen Harper, the Canadian prime minister said, “We needed some security for the G8 and G20 summits. As conventional security hasn’t worked for our neighbors to the south, we decided to go with something that had a little more bravado. You think we’re spending 2 million dollars on canoes, trees, deck chairs and a fake dock? Shows what you know! No one has bought a canoe in Canada since The Dutch-Canadian War. Pull those plans up on the screen.”

“Uh, this is a phone interview…” I said.

Just fill up a goddamned bus and bring 'em to Niagra Falls.

“The canoes are just that, but remember a canoe in the hands of a Canadian is more deadly than all three Lethal Weapon movies. Give that very same canoe to a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and you’ve got yourself the combined killing power of every single Mel Gibson movie”

“And have you SEEN The Passion of the Christ?”

Parliament was not briefed on the issue, with one of its members, Rodger Cuzner (Or as he’s known on Yongue street, M.C. Cooze) rhyming “The government’s half-baked fake lake takes the cake! What a mistake,” A politician hasn’t so poorly dropped science since Bill Clinton’s rendition of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.”