Area Deputy Tased Judge in Ass
Posted on May 12, 2010 by admin
Taser, meet Asses. Asses, Taser.
A courtroom deputy tased Judge Randal Caldwell in the biscuits while he was standing in a hallway of his chambers. He was speaking to one of his aides, and the deputy approached him and joined the conversation. The judge then felt a “thud” in his keister, followed closely by a surge of mind numbing electricity, the Observer Dispach reports
“I was not initially aware of what had just happened,” the Judge said Friday, “My ass felt like a shit-loving bear had moved in and something scared the poor guy, and he was trying to tear his way out. Maybe he thought he smelled a forest fire and he was trying to warn us.” The judge continued, “That’s what it felt like, anyways.”
Once the thousands of volts of electricity had stopped firing into the Judge’s caboose, and after the Taser dart was disconnected from it’s wire, the Judge ripped the dart from his hinder. He washed the singe off his badonkadonk, and bandaged it up. He then returned to the bench, with a hemorrhoid pillow cushioning his derrière, to finish his caseload.
Undersheriff M. Peter Paravati, who said that deputies are trained on how to handle Tasers, could not comment on the question, “What the hell was the deputy doing whipping it out in the hallway?” The question was misunderstood by the judge’s secretary who wrongfully drafted a sexual harassment complaint, rather than the more appropriate assault.
The last time sweetmeats were involved with a Taser, was when a Boise police officer tased a man he already had in handcuffs, and then said, “Do you feel that? That’s my taser up your ass. So don’t move.”
The perpetrator said, “I’m trying not to. I can’t breathe.”
The officer apparently ripped his scrotal sac open, because he then said, “Now you feel this in your balls?”
The man said through pain which I cannot even begin to imagine, “I do, sir. I’m not going to move. I’m not gonna move.”
The ombudsman threatened, “Now I’m gonna tase your balls if you move again.”
The alleged criminal was screaming in what must have been unbearable pain. Sixty seconds later, the policeman said, “Okay, I’m gonna take this Taser out of your asshole now. Are you going to fight with me?”
ImnnaTakeThisTaserOutOfYourAsshole.mp3
Handcuffed and on the ground, with a Taser up his dirty laundry chute and his nards unraveled like yarn or silly string on the floor near him, in front of his three year old son, the man was not going to fight with the officer.
No criminal charges were filed in either account. The officer in the second story was disciplined with conduct unbecoming of an officer.