Chezzo Eyewitness News 13 – Kuyahoora Valley

Giants’ Trash is Killing Marine Statues

Giants need to start disposing of their trash properly, or we will have no more marine wildlife statues. A porpoise statue was strangled by giant plastic six-pack ring in Vancouver last week, The Province reports. “Nearly every plastic item ever created still exists, and has harmful effects on the environment, wildlife, humans, and ultimately even [...]

Tiger Woods Has A Bulging Dick

Win McMurry, a reporter for America’s Golf Channel, mistakenly said Tiger Woods dropped out of the last round of the Players Championship because of his “bulging dick”. Win corrected herself immediately, explaining she had meant to say “enormous cock”.

Area Deputy Tased Judge in Ass

A courtroom deputy tased Judge Randal Caldwell in the biscuits while he was standing in a hallway of his chambers. He was speaking to one of his aides, and the deputy approached him and joined the conversation.  The judge then felt a “thud” in his keister, followed closely by a surge of mind numbing electricity, the Observer Dispach [...]

ADVERTISMENT – Tylenol, Now With Bacteria

Bacteria is a necessary ingredient for life. It helps you digest foods, it helps keep away fungus, and it make vitamins essential to health. Without bacteria, you’d be wandering around bald and toothless, with mushrooms growing all over your body, while constantly growing larger.

The FDA wants you to live in that world. They made us voluntarily recall some of our children’s products that contained a small amount of harmless bacteria.

Snow Falls in Kuyahoora Valley – First Horseman Rises in Poland, NY

Snow is falling on Mother’s Day in the Kuyahoora Valley. This unseasonable snowfall is accompanied by the first Horseman of the Apocalypse, Plague, who rode forth with a bow on a white horse from the ground at the Poland High School football field.

Our lispy affiliate in Utica reported on the snow yesterday:

Seeley Booth’s First Mistress Was Tiger Woods

This reporter set out to get average Kuyahoora Valley citizens’ thoughts on the issue. “I don’t believe it!” said Emma Furgeson 71, of Poland, “He’s in love with Bones. He would never do that.”

Brett Lofton, 34 from Newport said, “I always knew he was a little funny.” Taking a breath between puffs on a Newport, he continued, “What with all them girly socks, and the long looks at Sweets. I should inform the F.B.I. That’s against don’t ask don’t tell.”

Mexican Piss Determined Hard To Get Out

In an effort to improve African American relations, the Seattle PD Gang Unit had a suspect prone and in handcuffs when they stomped on his head and uttered, “I will beat the fucking Mexican piss out of you, homey. Do you feel me?” As can be seen in this video.

America Lying To Its People To Make Them Less Afraid

In a strange turn of events, America is lying to its own people to make them less afraid.

“Someone clicked the wrong button. What followed next was the largest market falling in the Dow Jones’s history.”  Forbes magazine reported Friday. “The person saw a button that promised to add 2 inches in just 3 weeks. You can see where he got confused.”

But despite Forbes, AP, and CNN’s amazing fact checking department, there are protocols in place to prevent this kind of thing from happening. The media was reporting this “Aw Shucks,” story to stop Americans from taking their money out in a panic.